Kids Gone Wild

Ahh, the suburban pool.

I’m writing this post to the mom who wears the cute cherry two-piece suit.  I see you at the pool every time we go.  I really like that cherry suit.  It sort of has a Marilyn Monroe/Grace Kelley’ish look, and dang girl, you look classy in it.  That’s going to be the only compliment I give you today.

Living in suburbia where I reside means that if you have a Home Owner’s Association, also known as an HOA, then there’s probably a swimming pool in your ‘hood.  Ours is pretty nice.  It has a good sized ‘regular’ in ground pool, as well as an awesome in ground baby pool.  We even have lifeguards who do a relatively adequate job of making sure none of the kids drown.  All in all, not a bad set up.  We spend many hours there in the summer because going swimming sends my kids into a sun-induced coma that gives me relative peace for the rest of the day.

This child is in a sun-induced coma. His mother will not have a nervous breakdown today.

But, you, cherry bathing suit mom, are really putting a damper on the pool this summer.Oh, yes, your twins are cute, I’ll grant you that.  They look to be about the same age as Little P, roughly 4-5 years old.  But seriously, that’s the only compliment I’m going to give them as well.

Every time I walk into that little slice of paradise, you and your twins are there, and every time I see those little hellions I want to pull my hair out.  Oh, it’s not that I don’t like kids.  I mean let’s face it, I have three of my own, and let me just say right up front, they are not perfect.   I’m fully aware of all their glorious shortcomings.  See Here and Here.

But honestly, your twins are like two Tasmanian devils that were raised by a pack of wolves.

For instance, yesterday twin number 1 grabbed my pool key out of my bag and threw it over the fence.  Did you notice?  Oh that’s right, you were staring at your phone.  I hope that game of Candy Crush was a really good one, because if you weren’t matching up three super chocolate balls with three striped candies simultaneously, then I might think you are actually just rude and inattentive.  If that wasn’t bad enough, twin number 2, not five minutes later, stood on the edge of the baby pool and announced that he was going to “PEE ON THE BABY”, who was sitting in front of him like a deer caught in the headlights.  Luckily the mom of the baby grabbed the tot just before a stream of liquid gold would have hit him in the face.

Now, being as most moms are better moms than me, I can fully appreciate the need to mentally vacate the world which your children inhabit.  Sometimes ignoring your offspring is essential to maintaining sanity. So let’s be clear, I don’t fault you for the fact that you are off in outer space.  However, if you are going to vacate the premises mentally, then do the rest of us a favor and at least hand feed your twins every now and then so they’re a bit tamer in public.  Seriously.

emilyweaver3I’ve noticed this lack of parental control ever-more frequently lately.  It happens everywhere…the pool, the playground, the mall play places…so, obviously Cherry Suit Mama is not alone.  But, God-help the responsible adult who points out the ‘out of control behavior’ to the inattentive mother.  I suggest a face mask such as umpires wear before approaching the otherwise-occupied parent.  Usually their first reaction is to call Jimmy or Johnny over to them and begin ranting about how they missed their nap or how snack time was an hour ago.  Puhhhhlease.  Sometimes, they’ll even tell you to mind your own business.

Hey, I’m all for the occasional playground fight between kids.  I’ll mind my own business indefinitely while two pre-schoolers toss sand at each other.  I mean, what’s a little sand in the cornea in the grand scheme of things right?  I’ll even keep silent while a stranger’s child gleefully grabs a toy from my kid and runs off like Sylvester Cat with Tweety bird in his mouth.  Sometimes life ain’t fair Little P, get used to it now.

With all that said,  I’m done.  This last paragraph is for you, Cherry Suit Mama…  The next time twin number 1 or 2 decides to grab my pool key, or pee on someone, or otherwise terrorize the downtrodden pool moms from the subdivision, I’m taking action.  Seeing as I’m a pacifist, that action might involve giving your kids a few long sips of a very highly caffeinated drink right as you are leaving…sun-induced coma?  Think again!  MUAHAHAH!!

More than likely, however, I might saunter up to you, compliment you on your suit, and tell you to STOP ignoring your kids, so I can START ignoring them.  A better mom than me would say, “I understand how hard it must be as a mom with multiples, can I help?”  Yep, a better mom would say that.  But what I’ll really say will probably be this:  “Have you ever heard of Benadryl?”

(Relax better moms, it’s just a joke…kinda.)


Today’s hilarious post was brought to us by Emily Weaver, a guest blogger who just happens to be the sister of one of our contributing writers, Kelsey! Emily is a freelance writer and mother of three.  She enjoys spending time with her husband and her children.  She chronicles the messy experience of parenthood on her blog, A Better Mom Than Me. For more uncensored musings on kids and family, check her out at

**All images are public domain courtesy of**







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