Since embarking on the surrogacy journey, I have learned how to take on the worst of the worst in critics. Once I was telling people what my plans were, I never prepared myself for the not-so-very-nice opinions. I figured that I was doing something amazing, why would anyone have something negative to say, right? WRONG.
In the beginning, I only told a handful of people what my plans were. And EVERYONE was incredibly supportive. I was excited. Well, it turns out not everyone was supportive. The one person whom I thought knew me well, and understood my mission in this, had the worst things to say about me, and my thoughts.
“She’s money hungry”.
“She would sell her soul to the Devil for money”.
“Oh that’s Jacqueline, she would do anything for attention”.
These opinions tore me apart, and made me feel like a bag of garbage that a raccoon got ahold of and scattered all over the lawn. I never EVER in my wildest dreams imagined that I would be made out to be a bad guy, while renting my body out to a very deserving couple. Regardless of my motives, or what drove me to MY decision.
Having someone that you genuinely love, with every inch of you, say the most hurtful things changes the entire dynamic of your relationship. Which continues to pour salt in a wound – because you want to be able to share with them, and speak with them about everything. But you know that no matter how hard you try, things will never be the same… I would honestly rather have someone cut my Achilles tendon with a rusty knife that had hep-c on it, than ever hear that my friend said those things about me. I can handle harsh criticism from a stranger, because that stranger doesn’t know me from the inside out – but to have it come from the person who has talked you off a cliff is the hardest part of this entire journey.
I am not sure if she will read this or not, but to anyone else who may question my motives, here they are. Now I want to make sure that everyone is aware that I don’t owe anyone an explanation, but I want to give one to clear my name… And then once you all see why, you can then form your opinion.
I am a single mom. Although I am a single mom, I am lucky enough to have a job and get support from my daughter’s dad… HOWEVER I still live paycheck to paycheck. Embarrassing. Since I have a full time job, I pay full price for everything, that includes: day care, housing, food, and utilities. I’m grateful for that, because I am proud that I work hard and take care of my home. With that being said, you are probably wondering where in the heck I’m going, right? Well, I am still a one-income household. I was a college student, which equals student loans…and do you know what student loans equal? Absolutely no additional money for a savings. Being unable to save means that I will be unable to become a homeowner…unless I win the lottery. And I’ll be honest, I am very far from lucky. I want to be able to be a own a home, where my daughter can grow and make magical memories. I want to be able to pay off some bad debt from some bad choices I made in my past, and I want to take my daughter to Disney World. And I am willing to make sacrifices in the meantime. SO yes… My first thoughts were earning an extra income to allow my dreams to happen, while making another family complete.
It wasn’t until I met my IPs (intended parents) that it got personal for me. Before, it was about helping myself, while helping someone else. And now it has flipped to helping two amazing people become parents, and benefiting in the end.
OKAY — do you all get it now? I hope so. Now you can judge me (if you wish).
I am proud of the decision I am making. I am truly proud.
I haven’t really gotten to speak about that, or put my thoughts down on cyber paper.
I feel better now.
Now on to some better news: September is going to be huge for the IPs! We have finalized our legal contracts, and will be starting our real-deal cycle.
When I opened up my email, and read the finalized contract, I felt barfy, and full of anxiety. I have been waiting for this day, and it’s here! It’s so exciting, and also so crazy. So much pressure on my body to do what it was made to do, with a little help from science. It’s real. And it’s time!
I can’t wait to share with all of you in September! I will be all jacked up on hormones and will probably have some pretty interesting points to touch on. While laughing, then crying, then sweating – all while eating ice cream, because I’m a fantastic multi-tasker like that!