A few years ago, I decided to gather all of the delightful gems my friends’ kids have said into a blog post, because, you know, kids are hilarious. Well, nothing has changed since that original post. Our kids are still hilarious and are always a great source of entertainment. So again, without further ado, I present to you: the future generation.
They’ve been training for the teenage years their whole lives. Literally.
“You’re mean, Mommy.” “I’m the nicest mommy you’ll ever have.” “True. You’re also the meanest mommy I’ll ever have.” –age 8
“I care about you, but you don’t seem to care about me.” –age 6
“Mom, can you stop talking now? I’m not old enough to understand this.” –age 4
“Can I watch TV when we get home?” “No.” “I don’t like you when you say no to me.” –age 3
The other day my daughter was throwing a fit and had thrown herself down on her chair in the living room. I took a photo of her to tell my sister that we would not be attending my nieces volleyball game. She came over to see the photo and said, “What she doing?” I said, “She’s throwing a fit.” So, she walked around the house for the next ten minutes, saying through tears, “I’m throwing a fit, I’m throwing a fit.” A week later – she was not throwing a fit but flopped down the same way on her chair and said, “I’m throwing a fit.” –age 2
The Cold Blooded
I haven’t slept with both eyes closed since my kid was born.
“When you and Dad die, I’m going to go live with my friend Olivia.” –age 5
“I want to play Chutes & Ladders. And I want to play with mom because she doesn’t like that game.” –age 4
It’s not lying. It’s merely embellishing the truth. With lies.
“It took 100 million hours to get to Bloomsbury Farm.” –age 4
“That just poofed my head!” –age 4
“Daddy, I’m going to do something so adorable your mind is gonna blow.” –age 7
“I’m a song maker-upper. I make up songs. I can also fly.” –age 4
The Favorite Child
I was always my mom’s favorite child. Except when my brother was.
“Mommy is the boss because she is smartest in the family.” –age 7
“Mommy, I love you infinity times the moon and back.” –age 5
The Broken Filter
My kid needs a replacement filter. I wonder if you can buy one on Amazon…
My daughter to her grandmother: “You don’t have to clean the kitchen, my mommy never does!” –age 3
When my daughter discovered that she can turn photos black and white on an iPhone: “Look Mom! It’s like in the 80s when they didn’t have color!” –age 8
“Mom, look at my penis! It’s so big!” –age 3
In reaction to a man at Costco whose butt crack was showing: “Pull your pants up, man!” –age 3
After his TV show ended: “Well d***it, I guess it’s over.” –age 3
The Confidence Booster
Parent/child relationships are a give-and-take. I spent the last 8 years building my daughter’s confidence, and she spent the last 8 years tearing mine down.
“Mommy, I want to boop you in the belly. [Proceeds to ram her head into my stomach several times.] It’s so soft!” –age 6
“You go away. I want Grammy.” –age 2
Me: “You’re a goose.” Daughter: “You’re an old tree stump.” –age 6
On a snow day: “I really love you, Mommy, but when is Daddy getting home?” –age 6
Daughter: (from the back seat) “I love you.” Me: “I love you!” Daughter: “NO, I was talking to my foot!” (Gently touches her foot) “I love you.” –age 3
The Head Scratcher
Sometimes thoughts just… appear out of nowhere.
Me: “Do you want to go see Frozen 2 with me when it comes out?” Daughter: “Sure, but right now I’m working on my autobiography.” –age 8
“Mom, will you see what’s for lunch today and then check the radar, please?” –age 3
“Mom, where does it say on the menu there is kids chocolate – a squirrel! Look mom, a squirrel!!” –age 7
“Good night, sleep tight. Don’t let any horses bite you!” –age 3
My daughter is always saying, “Mama, you have a baby in your tummy?” And then she’ll start rubbing her belly and say, “Maisie has baby in her tummy too.” –age 2
While reading a book to my daughter, she stopped me and said (dead serious), “Mama, you kind of pooped in my sock.” –age 3
A few weeks ago we ran some errands. My daughter was sick of being out and about and was ready to go home. Her dad said to her, “Have you hit your limit?” And she immediately started whining and saying, “My limit hurts. My limit hurts, Dada.” –age 2
For background, at school they have a main lunch option and an alternate lunch option. After school one day, this conversation happened:
Me: Quinn, what did you have for lunch today?
Daughter: I had alter-nut.
Me: What was the alternate option today?
Me: But what IS alternate??
Daughter: It’s alter-nut mommy!
Me: But what KIND of food was alternate? What did it taste like?
Daughter: Mommyyyyyyy! It tasted like ALTER-NUT!!!
Turns out she had chicken and noodles. –age 5
When we would lay my daughter down to change a poopy diaper she’d say, “Oh dear, oh boy, oh no!” –age 1
My daughter is a genius, and I can never remember where I parked at Target.
“I’m always hungry. Unless I’m full.” –age 7
“Mom, did you know there’s a boy in my class who thinks the earth is flat? Don’t worry, I don’t have a crush on him, I’m not into flat-earthers.” –age 10
After stepping out of a car in only stockinged feet on a rainy day: “I’ll just have to live with the consequences of my life choices.” –age 12
After her sister said she didn’t want to study for her math test, “Do you want to fail math and have to live on your mother’s couch for the rest of your life?” –age 10
“I’m very good at games. Sometimes I win almost all the time and sometimes I don’t.” –age 4
“I can’t wait. It’s not what I do. I don’t wait.” –age 3
“Cuddles are just extra-long hugs. That’s a true fact I just made up.” –age 7
My husband and I were arguing one day when my daughter came up, put her hand on my knee, and said, “Mommy, just let Daddy love you.” –age 4
I raised my daughter to be sarcastic… and it has back-fired horribly.
Grandma: “I’m going to the circus today with your cousins.” Daughter: “Oh, you’re coming to my house?” –age 3
Me: “Wow, it’s cold outside. I should have put on my jacket.” Daughter: “I think you’ll survive.” –age 6
I told my daughter to stop drumming on a tin can because it was annoying. This hurt her feelings, so we told her we like it when she plays on her keyboard and she should do that. So she put the keyboard on drum mode. –age 7
“No, unfortunately I do not want to brush my teeth, I brushed them last night.” –age 4
Me: “Don’t talk about butts at school.” Daughter: “What about butt cheeks?” Me: “How about no potty humor at all.” Daughter: “But I like being inappropriate.” –age 8
That’s all I’ve got for this reboot. Tell us: What are some of the craziest things your kids have said?