Your Penis Doesn’t Need a Sock (and Other Things We Never Thought We’d Say as Parents)

Before my daughter was born, I never deceived myself into thinking that I would be a perfect model of a parent. I figured the television would babysit on occasion and fast food would be a quick solution to a busy evening of extracurricular activities. I would be a creditable mother, but not a perfect one. And only kind words would fall from my lips.

And then my daughter was born, and it all broke loose.

An image of a mother and son as she thinks about things she never thought she would say as a parent.

I am a far cry from the “creditable” mother I thought I would be. Instead of imparting life wisdom upon the demon of my own creation, I instead find myself saying things I never in a million years imaged I would say.

Thankfully, I’m not the only one who feels this way!

I asked my friends what their “I never thought I would say that until I had kids” moments were, and let me tell you, they made me feel a LOT better about myself as a parent!

Keep reading to see what we never thought we would say as parents. (Oh, and if anyone can explain to me why kids are obsessed with licking things, I’d love rather not know).

Things We Never Thought We’d Say as Parents:

Your tooth brush is for your teeth only, not your hair, and you can’t use it after it has fallen into the toilet.

Don’t lick the door hinges, the fridge, or the window.

If you can pick your butt, you can brush your teeth.

Your penis doesn’t need a sock.

Don’t lick the television.

We don’t lick each other’s tongues.

Your penis does not like your sister.

That was a stinky fart. I think you need to go try to poop.

Stop putting your hands in your butt.

You need to wear underwear with your pajamas so that you can wear them more than once.

If you want to pick your nose and eat your boogers go to the bathroom to do it.

We don’t lick the fruit at the grocery store.

Don’t eat the dog food.

Do you have to poop?

Stop sucking on the pickle and just eat it. You don’t need to nurse the pickle.

Put that in Mr. Potato Head’s butt so you don’t lose it.

We don’t keep things in our vaginas.

Don’t lick the dog.

Why did you sleep under your bed last night?

You can cuss when you turn 18.

You can’t have any French fries until you’ve finished your pizza.

Don’t talk about butts at school.

Do not yell at me while I am in the bathroom unless it is an emergency. Blood is an emergency, snacks are not.

Stop eating carrots.

No, you can’t have a drink of my margarita.

If you poop in the toilet, I will buy you a {My Little} Pony.

No, I don’t want to smell your feet.

I can smell your butt. Go take a shower.

Stop meowing at me and use words.

We don’t collect used band-aids.

What are things you’ve said as a parent that you never thought you would say?

Caroline is an Arizona native who moved to Iowa in 2007 ‘for love.’ She and her husband live in Coralville with their 8-year-old daughter. Caroline works full-time at the University of Iowa and recently earned her MA in Higher Education Administration. Caroline is a self-taught sewer, fabric hoarder, Starbucks lover, wannabe graphic designer, and avid reader. Her greatest aspirations are to raise a kind, strong, and fearless girl and have a clean house.


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