I remember the day vividly.
Butterflies swarmed in my swollen belly as the ultrasound tech studied the monitor above us. All three of us (me, the hubs, and Edison) watched the little baby squiggle and wiggle inside me. “Do you want to know the sex?” the tech asked us. I vehemently shook my head yes, and then came the words I didn’t want to hear, “It’s a boy.”
Tears burned the back of my eyelids.
“You’re going to have a brother,” I told Edison. He smiled big and broad, excited at the prospect. My husband took my hand and squeezed it. He knew my tears where partly due to happiness of knowing our new bundle was healthy, but they were also tears of sadness, because I really, really, really wanted a girl.
I’m a girly girl and I know EVERYTHING about Barbies, and fancy dresses. But boys…boys baffled me. They were known to pee in your face (which has happened) and they play with gross things like dirt and worms (has also happened).
For those three years with my son, I was comforted by the thought of “the next one”, and that I might have a girl to share my Barbies with.
When I made the announcement on Facebook, and called friends and family they gave their congratulatory comments. Those that knew me well also asked how I was doing, and how I was holding up.
I know this sounds terrible, especially to those that have experienced a loss, but for me, this is how it was. This was our last baby; there would be no more trying.
I had the nursery designed (at least in my mind), and THE PERFECT girl name all picked out.
It took months to wrap my head around it.
I would now be the ONLY girl in our family, even the cats are boys. I’d be surrounded by Star Wars, comic books, super heroes and basketballs. And my future would consist of dirty sweat socks and jock straps…YIKES!
I mourned for months over the fact that I would never have that Lorelai and Rory relationship, and that shopping trips and spa dates weren’t in my future.
It wasn’t until I started decorating the nursery and looking at Edison’s old clothes that the blessing fully gripped my heart and held on.
Now, after almost four years with my little redhead boy I couldn’t imagine a life without him. He was born parallel to my dad’s passing…a boy to carry on his memory.
And, while it has been hard to give up playing with Barbies and knowing I’ll never go wedding or prom dress shopping, the love I feel for my boys is indescribable.
Thanks to them, I’m learning new boy-isms everyday. Things I NEVER would have discovered in a house full of girls.
The blue light saber is Luke’s and Darth Vader’s is red.
Farts and burps are HILARIOUS. (They really are)
Building LEGOS can be just as much fun as playing Barbies.
Sometimes boys like to play Barbies too.
Life without these boys would probably be pretty boring.
So I embrace this crazy, nuts, energetic boy-love and hold it in my heart forever.
Oh, and on the plus side I’ll never have to have the thong conversation. Hopefully…
Did you experience gender disappointment?