I am a โone and doneโ parent. This is the phrase I have come to use as my standard response to people who ask, โDo you have kids?โ โIs she your only?โ or the probing, โAre you having any more kids?โ The โone and doneโ response usually shuts down any further questions for those that might be tempted to ask why. I did not intend to be a โone and doneโ mama. I am one of four girls and cannot imagine my life without my three sisters. I also always imagined I would have kids. Plural.
But, for reasons both personal and practical, here I am at 42 with one child.
Now, this is not one of those blog posts where I self-righteously justify having one child or pretend to know the benefits of one versus many. Iโm not interested in that mommy war. But I have spent the better part of this summer fighting feelings of guilt mixed with a splash of sadness as I watch my daughter play alone.
Battling Guilt, Regret, and All Those What-Ifs
Perhaps itโs because she is home all summer after having been in preschool full-time and surrounded by other kids five days a week. Maybe itโs the fact that she is at the age where she wants to know why thereโs just one kid in the house or why I didnโt just make another egg (her exact words) so sheโd have someone to play with.
Sometimes I even chase this cocktail of guilt with a shot of regret. Why didnโt I meet my husband sooner? Why didnโt we just have another baby right away before another and then another year went by? I usually finish with a string of what-ifs. What if Iโm a burden when Iโm older and itโs all up to her? What if she doesnโt play well with others? What if sheโs too quirky for the cool kids? And finally: What if sheโs lonely?
Rather than continue on this guilt bender, I decided to turn to a couple of my best friends, who also happen to be โonlys,โ asking them for some perspective on being an only child. Their honest reflections mirrored some of my concerns about loneliness and the what-ifs of caring for aging parents. They also shared the feeling of abundant love and attention they received from their parents and grandparents and the qualities of self-reliance and independence that have served them well as adults.
Will it be a burden when I’m old?
One of my girlfriends remembered that she went through a period of wanting a sibling when she was the same age that my daughter is now, and also gave me some insight into my concern about being a burden to my only when Iโm old.
“I loved being an only child almost the entire time I was growing up. I remember wanting a sibling early onโlike around 5 or 6 years oldโand feeling disappointed when I was told it would only be me. I would love to have someone to share the responsibilities of making sure our parents’ needs were met, to share calling and visiting, to help make decisions about their care and needs, to reminisce about our childhoods together. Then again, having a sibling would guarantee none of that. We might not get along, and we might have such different perspectives that it would make decision-making harder than deciding on one’s own what to do.”
Will she be lonely?
Another one of my best friends shared that in fact there were times when she was lonely.
โI frequently felt left out when in groups with other kids who all seemed to know each other, and also sometimes within the neighborhood when, at the end of the day, other kids could go home and play with their siblings. I would have to go home alone. On the other hand, I never enjoyed watching my friends fight or argue with their siblings. I was happy and aware that I did not have to share my time, toys, or friends.โ
Is she destined to act like an only child?
This friend also addressed one of my deepest fears: That by having an only, I had somehow predestined my child to have a specific type of personality.
โAlthough at times there is a sense of wondering what it would be like to have siblings, there is meaning in the experience of being an only. Yes, there are stereotypes of selfishness, eccentric behavior, stubbornness, and social ineptitude, but like most traits, these can be useful characteristics in life. It is difficult to really know what aspects of my personality are uniquely tied to being an only, or whether they are my innate personality.โ
Their reflections gave me some much-needed reassurance.
Instead of being preoccupied with guilt and regret, Iโll raise my girl with the same hopes and concerns as any other parent. Will she ever be lonely? Sometimes. But hopefully sheโll choose friends that will stand by her like sisters when she needs them the most. And, like most kids, at some point she will probably have to make decisions about her dear old mom, but hopefully sheโll always remember that we love her, that she is our one and only.
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I have a sister and remember begging my mom for another baby in the house I was 5 or 6…maybe it’s a 5/6 year old thing, instead of an only child thing…
I remember this article from TIME in 2010 – it might help you feel more at ease! ๐
http://content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2002530,00.html
Love you Sherrina-don’t forget, she’ll have nosy aunties who are younger than her mom that will help make decisions and next year she’ll be able to fly out and spend some time with her cousins…that’ll cure the sibling yearning ๐ in al seriousness-whatever number you land on, you question your decision. She also has the unique privilege of bring raised in a multigenerational home!
Sherri, this post came at the perfect time for me! I have been going through all of our daughter’s stuff getting ready for a garage sale and I have been having a hard time letting go of some things in case we adopt again (even though I know we probably won’t). I struggle with the idea of “one and done” so much because it was not how I pictured our family to be. I have had many of the same feelings as you and because I have both a brother and a sister, I struggle seeing life as an only child. Thank you for easing my fears and showing some of the benefits of being an only. You have eased my mind today!
Summer break has worn thin around here, and every day has become a near bloodbath with my 5 kids. (I’m only slightly kidding–my 14-yo hit my 9-yo in the nose a couple of weeks ago when they were fighting.) As a mom with a lot of kids, I feel a ton of guilt for 1) not being able to give them the individual attention they need, 2) having so many kids that we can’t realistically commit to many activities due to time/money constraints and 3) feeling stretched so thin I get grumpy/overwhelmed/stressed.
And I think if you asked my kids, they would fantasize about having fewer siblings and more attention from my husband and I. Bottom line–there are advantages and disadvantages in every direction. ๐
I will be 41 soon. Our daughter will be 2 soon. Thank you for sharing. It helps my own processing deeply.
Sherri-this is just beautiful. As you know I have a ‘one and only’ 5 year old boy. So well put.
Really brought up some good points and a tear to my eye.
I think our kids will be fantastic-b/c they have us as parents!!!
Great job.
Really appreciated reading this. We are also one and done, but our little one is still a baby. We’ve decided only one for a lot of reasons and I think I take comfort in many of the same things you said… Having siblings doesn’t guarantee friendship. Being stubborn, eccentric and socially awkward are more personality traits than the results of being raised as an only. (I think me and my siblings are evidence of that…) And having lots of cousins really helps calm my mind as well. Hopefully there will be lots of dinners, trips and sleep overs in his future as both me and Rodney want to have a home where people are always welcome.
Sherri you need look no farther than your downstairs, Joyce is an only child, what a role model for anyone. When you were a little girl you wanted to be an only child, that is normal with both sides, onlys want another sib, multiples want to be an only. when I was a mother with 4 kids I sometimes wanted to be a rocket scientist so I could afford day care. You are a great mom . Just breathe!! love mommie
Thank you for posting this. I am the mother of a three year old girl and I am 95% sure that she will by my one and only. I have thoughts of guilt about not providing her with a sibling, but then I remind myself that guilt is not the reason to have another baby. So I am content. It is nice to hear that I am not the only one with these feelings, though.