In my last post, I told you all how I applied to two agencies and joined an online surrogate classified site, this helped me decide in the direction of my surrogate plan. Just like anything else in life, you make a plan but things hardly end up how you dreamed. My first initial thoughts when I was making my surrogacy plan was that I was not interested in having this be an international adventure & I really wanted to help a same-sex couple. ( I know there are many people who are not comfortable, or do not believe in same sex marriage, but that is not the topic of my post, so I don’t really want to have a discussion on the subject.)
There are so many other factors you have to think about when you’re working on finding an intended family. It was important for me to find a family that I share similar beliefs with. It was important to find a family that was looking for a gestational surrogate & NOT a traditional surrogate. And it was important for me to find a family that wanted to build a relationship with me throughout this process. I mean we might as well, right? They are going to get to know the most intimate details of my body.
Within 24 hours of posting my classified ad, I had an inbox full of inquires. It was slightly overwhelming, but I took my time and read each email. From the information given, I had an idea off the bat who I liked, and who I didn’t, or better yet who I can see my personality being accepted by or with whom I could see conflict. One of the families who reached out to me sent me a heartfelt email and I honestly fell in love with them after their first paragraph. They were a traditional family from Minneapolis who already had a son. They had their first son without a surrogate, but unfortunately because of delivery complications it left her unable to bear children. I spoke with her on the phone for hours on a Tuesday night, and I could tell how wonderful of a mother she was. After we learned a little bit about each other, we found that we have a very similar belief system and grew up very much alike. Throughout our conversation, we spoke about many things. She explained to me their contract, and what I could expect. When you become a surrogate, you should never have to pay for any expense that is surrogacy related, and with them being a “normal” family, with “normal” jobs & being considered “middle class”, I would have had to assist them with some expenses. I am a single mom, and I am in no shape to take on another financial burden. My student loans have me maxed out, and not to mention I have a 4 year old who thinks she needs a new Barbie every week. Because of this, I was unable to become a part of their story. It was hard for me to have to tell them that I wouldn’t be able to help them, due to my own financial situation.
This left me feeling blue. I immediately turned to my mentor, and she said exactly what I needed to hear: “Jacqueline, you can’t save the world. You can’t help everyone. As much as that family deserves a baby, you cannot put yourself into a situation where it could cause more bad than good in your life”…
A few days later, I got a call from one of the agencies I applied to, and had a phone interview. It went really well, and I was accepted right away. The case worker emailed me about 10 files of families who would be a “match”. When I opened my email and saw all of the emails from her, my heart started to race. I started to feel hot and my armpits started to sweat. I immediately felt like I needed to poop. My nerves were at an all time HIGH! Why? I didn’t feel this way when I had received emails from the classified website. I shut my computer down and cried. It was so difficult to be the one who picks a family to have a baby. Who am I to be the one to decide who is more likely to be a better parent? Or who is most deserving? I’m not. This gave me a slight panic attack. I have a hard enough time going to a pet store and picking out a puppy. I feel guilt for leaving behind all of the other animals. I am such an emotional mess sometimes. I really didn’t think it would have been that hard for me. Needless to say, I looked through all of the portfolios and I didn’t fall in love with any of the families. Why? I’m not sure… Perhaps that I knew the perfect family was waiting for me. The funny thing was that I had no idea, but somehow the universe worked its magic and made it all work out.
The day I had been accepted with the agency, I posted a Facebook status that read “exciting new ventures…” I wanted it to be vague because I wasn’t ready to shout my plans to the world. That night a woman, whom I’ve known for years and lives in Colorado, commented on my status “hey, some of us in other states want to know what you’re up to…” She was thinking I was going to buy a house, or a car or SOMETHING. I private messaged her and said “this isn’t public yet, but i’m taking the steps to become a surrogate…” That message changed our lives. Little did I know that she and her husband have struggled to have children and they were starting the process to find a surrogate of their own. Crazy right?! She and I chatted for hours that night and we decided as a team that I would be their surrogate. That night really proved to me that we were all meant to meet some how. I am so honored to be a part of their baby plan. We started speaking every day and taking the steps. Since we are doing this privately, it’s taking a bit longer than if I had gone with an agency. I am okay with that, because this is going to be such an amazing experience, and we will get to be with each other every step of the way.